Becoming An Explorer

 

Lost Creek Trail

I'm on a quest to overcome my fears related to creativity, namely Art and Writing. I'm looking for people who are struggling with their own fears, who will travel with me on this journey to conquer the giants and take back the land of confidence. I need fellow travelers who want to learn, grow and develop to become all they were created to be.

After 18 years of caregiving there has come a rest from crisis living and it's almost as though I don't know who I am or what I would like to do now. A question I keep asking myself is, "what is my purpose?" Being needed by other people has given me a sense of importance. It started out as a response to someone's need but quickly became an expected role in the family system. Now I try to shed that identity like a skin but it doesn't come off. I need help. And what new skin do I want to grow?  

I'm going to self school. This is like coming up to a wall I have to scale before I even begin to climb the mountain. As I think about how to move away from the roles I've allowed others to put me in, I feel guilty. The thought of becoming a writer or an artist raises anxiety in my chest, making my heart pound. This is unknown territory. In order to move on I first have to stay put and begin to identify where I am, what or who doesn't work and decide what to do about it. But I must move. 

Some things I've done so far are:

Hired a life coach
Signed up for online art classes
Talked to family members about their expectations
as well as identified myself to them as an artist/writer
Attended a writer's workshop
Gathered with other writer's at a Literary Salon
Returned to my blog which I started in 2008
Began to finish projects I have started but abandoned
Endeavored to keep a daily journal
Pray daily.                                                     

Recently I went camping at Lost Creek in Southern Oregon. I asked a Park Ranger how to get down to the lake. He pointed me in the direction of the trail and said,"there's more ups than downs." As I made my way along the trail, alone, I began to realize how many risks I was taking. First of all, at the beginning of the trail was a tiny sign that declared this to be Cougar country. Gulp. Then another sign that listed all the things I should do to keep safe: 
Be sure you have a map. (I did not)
Plan ahead and be prepared. (I did not)
Travel on durable surfaces. (I did have tennis shoes on)
                                                                                    
The scenery was majestic, like a fairytale forest with a path that beckoned me to explore. I decided I would just see what was around the bend. Over roots bulged up out of the ground, under low hung, out stretched branches, across a fallen tree that created a bridge, I relished the warm air and breathed in the scent of pine. This was fun. Then, up ahead, I saw something large drop from a tree and scramble through the bushes. It wasn't large enough to be a Cougar but it wasn't a squirrel either.  I stopped. My mouth became dry, my heart beat up into my throat, I turned around and ran up the steep incline back to the sign where I began. I decided my adventure would be left for another day, and with a friend. 

This little journey reminded me of my attempts to become a writer/artist. Any day, inspiration may knock on the window. I feel a lift in my heart or a call from somewhere unknown to make a change, take a risk, explore, create. But after a little while, when things don't go as planned,  more time and discipline are required than I expected or I have to write and write and rewrite or start over on a painting I've worked hours on, I retreat. I turn away in fear that I don't have what it takes. I listen to the rustle in the bushes. And as years go by, I repeat the same scenario. Is it possible to take myself seriously? To make a decision about what I want and stick to it regardless of how difficult it may be? To stop doubting myself? Only I can answer these questions. 

I began this post saying I'm looking for fellow travelers and this is still true. Two (many) are better than one. And I recognize the need for encouragement and help from other artists who know the path. But ultimately it is a solo undertaking and I'm the only one who can take responsibility for myself to create or not. To be continued....

Continued from May 6, 2012

Hi Gentle Readers,

I finally found my way back to my blog. The habits I spoke of two years ago haven't changed but what has changed is my belief in myself. I may not be the best writer, or artist or whatever but I'm the best and in fact only one who can see from my perspective. I don't have to know if this will add value to the world or not. My job is to create what is in my heart to create. I don't know how I may touch someone, help someone, hopefully not hurt someone. "We all have a unique way of seeing." Danny Gregory.

A Snap Pea in my garden as seen
from my unique perspective.

See Danny Gregory's post on "I'm the Best". 

http://dannygregorysblog.com

The Year of the Spark

Happy New Year! 

I haven't blogged in more than a year! But I'm here now and will try to keep going. I'm starting another class with Carla Sonheim called The Year of the Spark! This blog will be a good place to document what I'm learning and reflect on the process.


Here is a link for anyone interested in investigating the class:http://www.carlasonheim.com/yearofthespark/

Hi!

I'm starting a new class. Here's the link.



http://www.carlasonheim.com/2014-year-of-the-fairy-tale-online-class/

KICKING IN the WALL

Today I attended a writing workshop with Barbara Abercrombie. She, with generosity, humor and years of writing and teaching experience, shared everything one needs to know to get started writing and to keep writing. I've taken many classes with Barbara and I always come away feeling encouraged and buoyed up. Barbara is every writer's cheerleader. She does not deny it is hard work and a writer has to have a stubbornness about them that refuses to give up. It takes daily practice and perseverance. The book gives a practical way to adhere to that discipline with 5 minute exercises. It's brilliant!

 

 

Reading About Writing

  Courage and Craft by Barbara Abercrombie is full of wisdom and insight. I'm rereading it again for the fourth time. For example, "You can sit around for the rest of your life dreaming about writing your stories, longing to bear witness on the page to every amazing thing you've seen or lived through, and wishing for a message from above, that bolt of lightening, some signal that will let you know now is the time to start being creative. Or you can just buy a notebook or turn on your computer and begin writing. It's that simple and that complicated."

I still wonder around my life daily looking for my passion. I don't know if it's writing or some other creative endeavor but I do know something alludes me. I've come to only two conclusions these last few days I've been thinking about this: I would like someone to just tell me what to do (which never works in reality) and I want to be in love. (Not that I don't love God, my husband and family). One of the reasons I like taking classes is because it's a lot like starting a new relationship. I feel inspired. Getting to know new people and subjects is exciting. I can't wait to buy art supplies or books, notebooks and pens. Also a class provides a contained space where you follow the prescribed curriculum, you succeed and then feel good about yourself. Why is it so difficult to give this to myself? It's a problem of having to be validated from someone outside me in order to feel accepted, thus approved of.

So now I've uncovered a root and a habit. The root is believing I'm unworthy, by whose standard I don't know. The habit is continually living in this false belief. To be continued......